Well this is my very first attempt at Blogging... I know for many blogging is a daily habit and I think I'm going to try getting in to that mode. Right now I created account really because I couldn't sleep and had a lot of things I wanted to write out to remove them from my head. Savannah Blues is the title of my blog for a few reasons.. my mom just gave me the book for Christmas and I love the title and starting to read it now, and the blues is what I'm feeling right now living here in Savannah.... well actually Pooler.. (A town 10 minutes out side of Savannah). Savannah itself is a beautiful city full of history, charm, wimsical people, stores and restaurants. I love getting the experience of living in the south and understanding a whole new culture. Aaron my husband and i moved down here almost a year ago now for his job transfer with Target. I was living in central Illinois working for ADM, and he was living in Milwaukee working for Target. ADM was very flexible with his transfer and allowed me to flip flop sales territories and I went from working in our corporate office on the main floor with 600 plus people around you at any given time to a home office here in our house... this has been one tough transition for me. I'm such a people person and the lack of daily interactions has been very tough on me personally....
So many people invy me when I say i work from home, the thought of no commute, or dressing up, or alarm clocks is very appealing at first. But for a 25 year old in a new city looking to meet new people this type of setting makes new realtionship building very tough. I think this void in my social career has really spilled out into other voids, such as new friends and exciting engaging coversations just on happenings in the world. My sister always jokes how I never know what's going on in the news... i didn't realize just how much you absorb just by sitting around people everyday talking about worldly events.
I'm so excited for my husband and his career, he really enjoys his boss, his co-workers and team members and his daily summaries of his day really is a high light to my day. Aaron has quickly made a full well rounded life down here, so busy with long work days, baseball on the weekends and most recently started his MBA on line. With his schedule so full and mine so lacking this makes newly wed life very tough.
My work environment unhappiness is really beginning to spill out into our marriage and just affect my general overall unhappiness. I hate the fact that I am constantly unhappy, bored, or just sad because ask anyone and those qualities do not represnt me at all... I've had a really hard time explaining to people how I feel and an even harder time trying to come up with a solution to make me start feeling better and therefore in turn make my relationship with Aaron better.
I find my self obsessively cleaning our house and just spending way too much time trapped inside the walls of our home... I am like a little dog eagerly awaiting for my owner to get home and when he does he's too tired to play. I set up Aaron to be my center of my life in an unhealthy way, I try to make him my outlet for joy and fun and when he doesn't fulfill my every expectation I find myself angry at him... I know this isn't healthy and want to change that becaues he HAS to be tired of my crying and complaining.....(i know i am!)
I have so many WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL things in my life to be thankful for yet, i find myself constantly feeling sorry for myself and just sad... I'm sure I have some signs of depression right now...again no one would ever believe that about me.
I'm just ready to get back to being me!! It has defintely been a stressful year, moving, starting a new sales territory alone, getting married, and just being so far away from friends and family. The interesting thing is I don't see this same type of stress in Aaron WHICH IS A BLESSING! He keeps us both grounded... even though his schedule is so jammed packed he enjoys every moment of life, so energetic and out going to everyone he meets (qualities I used to have as well).... one thing that feels draining on me, I really run our household from laundry, to cleaning, to groceries, to bill paying to cooking... I can't remember the last time Aaron voluntarily did one of those duties... i know it's not in male nature to want to do those things but it would be amazing to be pampered just every now and then...
Hopefully by writing my thoughts and feelings out daily I'll be able to better assess my emotions and why i feel the way i do right now... is a change in my job environment the answer to all...or am i just home sick... that's been the big question in my mind and what Aaron has challenged me to find out... hopefully i arrive to an answer soon and get back out there in the world enjoying every day of life again...
Life is WAY to short and precious to be sad and upset... my mom has been a great listener through all of this (it comes in handy having a social worker mom) hopefully i don't get a bill in the mail for her hours :) I know one thing that I really think would help me is letting God back into my heart on a daily baisis, prayer and meditation is something i don't take enough time for... and here I was just saying I had all this alone time... i really need to begin shifting that down time into God time.. the devil has just taken way too much of my thought process over time to KICK him to the curb!
Thanks for lettting me rant while I couldn't sleep I just can't bare having to talk about this with Aaron one more time, he's been so wonderful listening and asking me if I'm okay.... and putting up with my hilacious mood swings I just want to get this unhappiness thing figured out and focus on a life long loving beautiful marriage with Aaron...
More to come! Kat
